What You’re Optimising For Is Quietly Destroying You
Every choice you make is optimising for something.
The question is: do you know what that something is?
Most leaders I work with think they’re optimising for success, impact, growth, meaningful work. And on the surface, their choices seem to reflect that.
But when we dig deeper, a different truth emerges.
They’re optimising for not being criticised. For appearing competent at all times. For avoiding the discomfort of disappointing someone. For maintaining an image that’s become exhausting to uphold.
They’re working 70-hour weeks not because the work requires it, but because rest feels like weakness. They’re saying yes to projects they don’t believe in because no feels dangerous. They’re staying in roles that stopped fitting years ago because leaving looks like failure.
What you’re optimising for shapes everything. Your calendar. Your energy. Your relationships. Your health. The opportunities you take. The ones you don’t.
And here’s the problem: you can optimise for safety or you can optimise for growth. But you can’t optimise for both.
Safety looks like never being exposed. Never being wrong. Never having to admit you don’t know. Never risking criticism or failure or judgment.
Growth looks like trying things that might not work. Having conversations that feel uncomfortable. Setting boundaries that disappoint people. Making decisions before you have perfect information.
Most people say they want growth while every single choice they make optimises for safety.
Then they wonder why nothing changes.
I watched an executive recently have this realisation mid-session. She’d been complaining about feeling stuck, about opportunities passing her by, about not being recognised for her potential.
Then she said, almost absently: “I just need to make sure everyone’s comfortable with the decision first.”
There it was.
She wasn’t optimising for impact. She was optimising for consensus. For universal approval. For a version of leadership where no one ever feels uncertain or challenged.
And that optimisation strategy was quietly dismantling every chance she had to actually lead.
Because real leadership isn’t comfortable. It’s not universally approved. It doesn’t wait for everyone to feel ready.
So what are you actually optimising for?
Not what you say you value. Not what’s in your mission statement or on your vision board. What do your choices, your calendar, your energy allocation actually reveal?
Are you optimising for being right or for learning?
For being liked or for being respected?
For comfort or for meaning?
For protection or for possibility?
There’s no judgment in this question. Sometimes optimising for safety is exactly right. Sometimes you’re in a season where preservation matters more than expansion.
But you should know what you’re doing. You should choose it consciously.
Because optimising for the wrong thing, especially unconsciously, will cost you everything you actually want.
The career that fits. The relationships that nourish you. The version of yourself you keep promising you’ll become “once things settle down.”
Things won’t settle down. Not until you change what you’re optimising for.
So look at your last week. Your last month. Where did your time go? Your energy? Your attention?
What were you actually optimising for?
And more importantly: is that what you want to keep optimising for?
